I’m crying even typing these words, but maybe there are other parents like me. I’m hoping there are.
The other day the thought crossed my mind that my special needs daughter is a burden, and she’s a burden I’m going to carry the rest of my life. I can barely even look at the screen as I type those disloyal words, but I cannot erase the moment I thought them from my memory.
I think the feeling has been building awhile. The groans that escape my mouth as I lift her dead weight. The exhaustion as I get up in the night once again. The pain in my arm as I resist her pushing back when she sits on my lap. The juggling her ipad, her pushing, and my phone on which I’m following along in the bible app in church. The not having much help. The fact that her room is messy and being too spent to clean it. The fact it’s been months since her floor has been vacuumed or mopped and I can’t manage to dredge up the gumption to care.
And every single part of my being regrets the fact that I thought, even for a second, that she was a burden. She’s the hugest blessing my life. I never thought I’d have a child from my own body. I never thought I’d have someone who would enter the world loving and trusting me unconditionally. And I received those blessings in full.
I also got other blessings, though, and the flip side of them are difficulties. I have a child who will always be my child. I have a child who will always need me and will never grow out of wanting my hugs.
And then there are those things that are wholly difficult. My daughter doesn’t walk. She doesn’t talk. She doesn’t help me carry her. She isn’t potty trained. She is afraid of new situations and screams when a situation is too chaotic. She gets hot easily so my husband can’t help hold her in church since his body is like a furnace, so I do it with no help.
I hate complaining or even feeling like I’m complaining. I don't want anyone to doubt my complete love for my sweet daughter. I don’t want anyone else to feel like my blessing girl is a burden. But deep down, I remember I felt that way for a moment, and I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to forget it.
And that guilt is another burden I’ll always carry.