Monday, May 25, 2015


I'm compelled to walk a fine line when I want to be honest about something.  On one side of the line is the honesty that is phrased so gently and tactfully that it can't possibly hurt any reasonable person's feelings.  On the other side is brutal honesty.  Sometimes I feel cheated because my whole life I've stayed on the gentle side of that line.  I don't get to let out my honest feelings very often at all.  I don't say a lot of things because they seem hurtful to some random aquaintance or because I know something in someone's history that makes me not want to come down with an opinion or statement about various issues.  But that leaves me feeling shuttered and alone.  If I don't say things then no one can identify with me.  If I don't say things any prayers for me will be pretty vague.  And while the Lord knows everything, of course, I'd still like the freedom to be a little more honest.

But when I think of things I'd like to be honest about, my mind goes blank and I realize that not only do I not currently have any thoughts in my mind that I can articulate, but that I'm conscious of a deep void where those thoughts used to be. 

And that void exists because I'm just so weary.  I keep trucking along and put a good face on it, half the time because I don't want people to worry and the other half the time because I am so forgetful and 'thoughtless' that I really am ok.  I've forgotten what's wearying me and bothering me.  And that's pathetic.  So pathetic. 

All that to say that I'm going to try to move a little closer to the line in the middle of what's honest.  I'll never intentionally hurt someone's feelings.  But I'm going to be more honest of what I feel and things I need.

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