Monday, June 18, 2012

Speaking Truths to Myself

I remember being afraid to go to sleep when Ilse first came home. I would stay awake for hours, and then finally I would ask the Lord to please watch over my baby while I slept. I did that for months. Some nights I would be consumed by terror... I was sure that that night was going to be the night Ilse choked or just stopped breathing. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep sure that she would be gone in the morning.

Now, knowing that so many little babies have died lately, I find myself feeling that way again. If I go to sleep, I might not hear her when she needs me, or I might not remember something important, or I might sleep through her doctors appointment tomorrow morning, and she needs that appointment.

Eventually, though, I realize I have to go to sleep, and so I do, very reluctantly, after I check on her multiple times.

And I always speak truth to myself to talk myself into bed. God is watching out for her. No matter what you do you can't prevent death if God plans it. You know you always wake up when her breathing changes. Her life is God's. She is a blessing for you, but you can't decide how long you have her.... only God can, and He is always good.

Eventually the truths help me sleep.


  1. This post brought to mind one of my favorite lines from Berry's "Whitefoot: A Story from the Center of the World"--"Her sleep was an act of faith and a giving of thanks." Love you and your sweet family!


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