It occurred to me the other day that I truly have PTSD. I know, it sounds crazy, because, truly, what have I been through that is traumatic compared to other people? Nevertheless, I am deeply, deeply scarred by Ilse's whole birth and the month following. Looking at my mother-in-law's blog was very hard for me today, because I remember the days and days I sat up at that hospital alone, eating my lunch and supper or waiting. I remember the fear and uncertainty.... And if I never ever go back to that hospital it will too soon. The last few months have been the hardest in this regard... All the memories are really surfacing, and I can't wait until they get buried again, because I really don't like remembering or dealing with them.
I feel things really, really deeply.
If I ever get pregnant again, I don't know what I am going to do, because right now, a NICU stay for my baby is really out of the question for me emotionally. I am thankful that the Lord will enable me to do what he demands of me. But if I am completely honest, right now the thought of another experience like that is nearly enough for me to invest in a birth control company.
I can't even really say more on the subject, because it is too upsetting.
Right now my sweet Ilse baby is laying on my lap, and the other babies are playing around the house. Those are happy sounds and are building happy memories for which I am so thankful.