Monday, October 24, 2011


It occurred to me the other day that I truly have PTSD. I know, it sounds crazy, because, truly, what have I been through that is traumatic compared to other people? Nevertheless, I am deeply, deeply scarred by Ilse's whole birth and the month following. Looking at my mother-in-law's blog was very hard for me today, because I remember the days and days I sat up at that hospital alone, eating my lunch and supper or waiting. I remember the fear and uncertainty.... And if I never ever go back to that hospital it will too soon. The last few months have been the hardest in this regard... All the memories are really surfacing, and I can't wait until they get buried again, because I really don't like remembering or dealing with them.

I feel things really, really deeply.

If I ever get pregnant again, I don't know what I am going to do, because right now, a NICU stay for my baby is really out of the question for me emotionally. I am thankful that the Lord will enable me to do what he demands of me. But if I am completely honest, right now the thought of another experience like that is nearly enough for me to invest in a birth control company.

I can't even really say more on the subject, because it is too upsetting.

Right now my sweet Ilse baby is laying on my lap, and the other babies are playing around the house. Those are happy sounds and are building happy memories for which I am so thankful.


  1. *hugs*

    I know what you mean about feeling things very deeply. Although there are some things we can brush off, other experiences stab - you can't explain why it hurts so much - you just want that hurt to go away. Sometimes I feel like a very 'little soul' and I wonder why God gave me such a fragile heart.
    I'm so sorry - it seems like a pat answer to say that "God is the great healer" - But I can say that Christ felt hurt as deeply as you have - He is near to you, He loves you, and he is bigger than these experiences. You are his lovely daughter and he will use this to make you to be more like Christ.
    I love you too.

    On an aside - you have been under a lot of stress lately and you have had a lot to process. I know just getting to Ilse's appointments can be hard enough, but have you considered any counseling? I went to several counseling sessions a while back when I was under a lot of stress and I found it to be very helpful in processing my more complicated hurts and emotions.

  2. Em's I'm so sorry. I remember finding out I was pregnant right away after Tim was born, and Tim's birth was VERY traumatic.... I was literally in a panic and even asked the doctor if they could just take him out now and let him grow in a test tube... I was that freaked out. The Dr. laughed it off, but I was seriously frightened. Time will heal those wounds, it really will. I know it doesn't seem like it... but I promise it will. One of the best things you can do is go back to that hospital and have lunch at that window WITH Ilse! :) Talk to her and tell her, "this is where mommy sat every day eating my lunch." I bet she'll smile! :)


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