God's mercy has definitely been displayed to us this last week or so. Today was the hardest day Tim and I have had in a long time. After a week with about two to three hours of sleep a night, I in particular really needed a good night's sleep last night. It did not happen. Ise cried basically all night long. She has been running a fever since getting her shots on Thursday, and on top of that she is teething-- whether it is early or not, she has decided that she wants teeth.
So after little to no sleep last night, today was slated to be difficult, and it was. I finally started to feel human around six tonight and was able to start getting some things done. We went and got Ilse a new back pack for her milk, and I ran in to walmart to pick up a few things I'd forgotten the other day when dee and I went shopping.
We came home And let the boys play a bit and I gave ilse her bath. She hadn't had a bath in a few days, since we hadn't even gotten the groceries out of the car. I know, those things don't seem to go together, but they do since I had purchased some new soap and lotion for her to try to combat her eczema problem before it gets debilitating. We had been so tired that we hadn't been able to even unload the car. It's done now, thankfully! And Ilse is all clean again.
Even though these days are sometimes very difficult, Tim and I are so thankful for each little blessing God has given us, from the littlest baby Ilse to our great big boys. Today I was especially thankful for my sweet sister dee who came over to this ugly heap of a house and helped me clean my room up. That was a huge help today and yesterday when we had an unexpected visitor. There was no room for poor ya-ya and sarah on the couch, but my room was clean enough to visit in. Lol.
I need to be easier on myself and remember a couple things:
1. Ilse is still little and there many extra things involved with her care (and the boys' care, for that matter) that other people don't deal with with their kids, and so we aren't going to be or look the same. What another mother of three might be able to get done when her baby is four months might be another couple months away for us.
2. It has only been the last two months that I have been trying to get my life back on track. That's not very long, and I need to give myself a break. The month Ilse was in the nicu was unbelievable difficult, and the month after that was a month of recovery. We still aren't recovered, exactly... I cried the other day talking to Ivy about it. That experience left too many emotional scars to count. I am thankful the Lord knows and loves us through it. He is not up in heaven shaking a stick at me if my bathroom floor is hairy (post pregnancy hair loss, you know.... Wait, who am I kidding? All of us women are plagued with hair on a our floors.) and He is patient with me when I can't do things perfectly like getting to church on time all the time or remember to pay bills. Yes, I've forgotten a few here and there.
The Lord is unbelievably gracious. I have probably said this on my blog before, but I have had to make myself the rule that I can't sign up for anything that I can't get out of. Things happen and Ilse doesn't sleep, and I have things to do, et. cetera. And the Lord is gracious. That deserves saying more than once.
But sitting here with my sweet babies asleep in their room, and my littlest sweet baby asleep in her crib, I am undeniably happy, even though Ilse is doing the little "I'm still crying in my heart" breathing sound in her sleep. Ilse breaks my heart when she screams and cries through her baths because she doesn't feel well or is tired, and I break my heart when I yell at Christopher for going so darn slow and have to ask his forgiveness... praying together for God to forgive mommy and make her heart clean again.
But God it still gracious, and He shows His love to us in so many wonderful ways, not the least of which is the sweet forgiveness of my sons when I wrong them.
Oh the depths of the riches, the wisdom of God,
How immeasurable is His grace,
How unfailing His kindness, how far removed His wrath,
And His mercies are new each day.
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things,
To Him be glory forevermore, to Him be glory forever!
Amen! Amen! Amen.