Monday the doctor said my blood pressure was very high, and I needed to head to the hospital to get it monitored. After being there through Tuesday evening, we were just about headed out the door when the told us we couldn't go yet after all, that Ilse had a de-cel and my bp was getting worse. Also, Ilse wasn't moving as much as they'd expect her to.
By Wednesday late morning, the doctors had decided to do a c-section since I wasn't inducible, and since it would probably be dangerous to induce me anyway with my blood pressure. Ilse was born at 3:35pm on Wednesday, May 4, 2011. She is our precious baby girl.
They laid her on my chest very briefly and I got to touch her cheek with my finger; then I kissed my finger and gave her the kiss.
The magnesium sulfate I was on was affecting me very badly, so I did and said some pretty crazy things, probably. Also, the anesthesia gave me the sensation of ants crawling under my skin. They gave me some medicine for the ichy feeling, and thankfully it went away. I was very nauseated and couldn't even lift my head up from the bed.
Apparently there were some problems with our baby girl that were discussed out in the waiting room.... Tim didn't get to tell me all about it until around 5:30 in the morning on Thursday. Once I understood what was going on, that they wanted to transfer Ilse to a hospital with a better NICU, I gave my ok (the doctors wouldn't have done it if I had said no) and they made sure that I knew I could go see her before she left.
That was the most stressful part. I had been told that I would come off the magnesium sulfate around 3pm on Thursday, and that I would have a couple hours to recuperate before I'd even need to get out of bed. Of course, this all changed when Ilse was going to leave, so I had to get out of the bed all nauseated and dizzy, falling asleep every couple seconds.... so I could see my baby girl. I wouldn't say no, I had to see her. I made myself get into the wheel chair and go down the hall to the NICU, and I don't know how long I was in there holding her hand before I said I had to go because I was going to throw up with all the movement.
A few hours later the transport team brought Ilse in to see me again right before they left with her. I was so happy to get to touch her without a glove. I held her little hand.
Sometime I'll be able to write down all the emotions that went with these days, but I don't know that now is the time. I'll keep it to myself for a while.
One thing I will say: I am not falling apart. Yes, I'm sad, but that is objectively ok. Any normal person would be, and I am not going to apologize for it. I am doing physically ok. Yes, a c-section hurts, but it isn't the worst physical pain that I've had. That was the dislocated shoulder that I had a week before Ivy's wedding. I'm not the same girl that screamed louder than the ambulance when Kim got hit by a truck. I've grown, learned, and become a woman who is capable and can make good decisions.
After the transport team left, I slept for a while since that was a very hard experience. I slept better that night. In the morning I got a call from the doctor down at Medical City. She said Ilse's problem was my undiagnosed gestational diabetes and obesity. What a horrible and blaming thing to say to someone who loved, carried, took care of, went through a c-section, and didn't get to take their baby girl home. I consulted with my doctor, and she says, Hogwash! (And a few other choice words I won't repeat.) If I feel like sharing the results of the test that will determine who's right (to be done on Monday) I will. My doctor said I did all I needed to. I followed all their directions and I got prenatal care.
Since I progressed quickly in healing... could walk alone to the bathroom, could shower alone, my bp was stable and down, my doctor released me early today (Friday.) She has me on antibiotics since I have an ant bite with staph in it, pain meds, and one other very temporary medication (usually only for six weeks.) Marcus came to pick us up, and we took all our belongings home. Then Marc took us to see Ilse at Medical City. I wish I could write down how that place makes me feel, but I can't. Suffice it to say that I don't feel supported down there.
They tell me that Ilse is doing better today even than she was yesterday. Yesterday she was eating twice a day, 10 ml each time. Today it was every three hours for 20 ml.
The doctor said our precious baby girl can come home as soon as she can breathe and eat on her own.
I am very thankful that God worked out her birth the way he did, regardless of why she came early or what exactly the problem was. I'm not going to blame myself for anything, because God made these plans for our good and for Ilse's good long before we even dreamed of an Ilse Joy.
I'm going to be down there with her as much as I possibly can. I know family can take me sometimes, but I will take the bus if I have to when I can walk .42 miles, or the train when I can get to the Parker station. I will also talk to the doctor as soon as Monday about getting cleared to drive. If I am only taking ibuprofen that doesn't make me sleepy enough not to drive. Ilse is more important.
Now I'm going to get a shower and head to bed. Tim will take care of the boys tomorrow morning so I can rest, and tomorrow afternoon Ivy, Christie, and I will go see Ilse.
Even though her birth was hard, Lord willing there are many days ahead to make happy memories. I'm eagerly going to await them.