Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Worthless

The feeling of worthlessness is overpowering sometimes. I'm totally exhausted, and I'm having trouble accomplishing the normal things I'm supposed to, and, what's worse, I'm having trouble enjoying things that I desperately want to enjoy.

The first Christmas tree with my babies-- I HAVE to enjoy it, and yet here we are in the midst of it, and all I can think of is...... sleep.

And I shouldn't feel/have to feel that I'm worthless!!! I am doing something very important. I'm making a baby. Well, actually, I'm the house while God is knitting little Ilse or Jonathan together inside of me. It takes my energy, it takes my willpower, and it makes me feel bad that I need to go to bed instead of make a nice (ok, ANY) dinner.

I know it won't last forever. It probably won't last much longer at all if fatigue goes away at 16 weeks or so, until 30 weeks.

In spite of all these issues, pregnancy is what I wanted/want to experience, and I got what people who loved me were praying for. I'm thankful for this tiredness, I'm thankful I'm a 'house', and I'm thankful that in two more trimesters we'll meet our little baby.

But I need to prop myself up (self esteem, folks, lol) and tell myself that I'm not being useless/lazy/worthless. Instead, I'm doing something important and eternal.

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