I have been struggling lately with guilt. I know it's all so stupid, but I still feel guilty over.....
how content I am.
For years I struggled with contentment. For years I thought God was just some big old meanie who obviously didn't care about me.
And it is so ironic that within a year of beginning to believe that God really is good no matter what, changing my attitude and loving him even though he was not giving me what I wanted, and trusting that he was being good even if it didn't feel like it, he blesses us-- not exactly the way we thought he would. So differently, in fact, that we almost said no when Covenant Kids called us about these boys. Instead of a perfect little baby, God blessed us with two incredibly perfect boys.
Tim and I were talking, and if we could go back and stay off birth control the first year of our marriage, which, maybe, just maybe, would have resulted in a baby, we still wouldn't trade these boys for that child. These boys are the blessing that God made us wait for.... for seven very long and hard years.
Looking back, I can see that God knew exactly what he was doing. He really was 'holding out on us' to give us something BETTER. A better character, more faith, a changed heart, the most wonderful children.
I wish I could have been content all those years, and I wish I always could have known that God is good. But, hahaha, then what would have been the point of having the trial? And we wouldn't have these boys.
Even though it took seven years to get it right, I did, and God knows that I was trusting and loving him the last several months, even through my depression last Christmas, even through this last horrible Mother's Day, and even through Memorial Day weekend when I cried.
And then on June 1, God forever changed my life. He changed my role, he changed my schedule, he changed how I act, because after all, two precious boys are learning from me every minute. When they say to me, "I watch you, Mommy!" they don't just mean for five minutes while I clean, even if that's what they think they mean. They mean in life. They are watching me to see how to act in life. And I don't want them to learn that it's ok to flip out if you are hot, tired, and hungry. I don't want them to learn that it is ok to get mad if I spill something (just an example; I actually don't struggle with that one.)
God changed me. It was sudden. I'm so glad I went to see Craig that day close to the end of the year. I'm so glad I reacted to his correction the way I needed to. I'm glad God gave us these years.
I remember back in youth group, my stupid melancholy self got all weepy and dumb the time we went around the room giving our testimonies. I just quietly said that I didn't have one. I didn't remember when I trusted Christ, so I couldn't have a testimony, right?
Well, I do now. My testimony spans about 7 years of hell, during which time God taught me to trust him. That doesn't mean I'll never struggle with it again, but by George, I'm determined to do all that's in my power, with God's help, to remember what he did for me.
Our boys are complete blessings. They are gifts from a gracious God, no matter how long they are here. I believe that God has given them to us to raise until they're grown, but if they leave or if they die, I am determined to arrive at that time remembering that GOD IS GOOD.